My Grandmother Died Today

My maternal grandmother died today of full renal failure and congestive heart failure. She was 94 years old. She was married for about 50 years before my grandfather passed away. She never remarried. She had four daughters, nine grandchildren and eighteen great-grands. She was a deeply spiritual woman. The kind that believed God was going to heal her of all of her ailments rather than medicine. She never even wore pants until her eighties.

I remember the day we took her car keys away. She was about 80. She was always so self-sufficient. Driving here and there. Helping people in need. Cutting the lawn. Gardening. Washing windows on a ladder. It was sad when we realized she couldn't drive anymore. It was a true turning point in her life and in our lives for we always knew her to be independent and full of her wits.

She's always been outspoken and would condemn any and everybody who wasn't living right. That was just her way. But, it has been difficult watching her deteriorate over the past four years. It became so that anytime she said anything judgmental or stinging we would get excited and just relish it because it was one more glimpse of the grandmother we all knew and loved.

I'm having mixed feelings about death in general. I used to view it as such a tragedy. Something to fear and something to avoid. But now, looking at my own life and the lives of those around me; looking at the state of the world and thinking about spirituality and the reality of God - I really have begun to see death as a simple process in a cycle that is not to be feared any more than being born is.

And yet, it is terribly sad indeed for me. When I began recalling how sweet she was towards me; how supportive and encouraging; she had such a wonderful way of believing in us.....I realized then, that I will never have HER loving me that way again in my life. She always called me a "Good Girl". She would chastise me if my clothing or hair wasn't befitting of her image of how a "Good Girl" should appear. But, when I would get it right....she would praise me so. She would fawn over me as though she were my greatest fan. It was nice. It was also helpful. I think she could look past each one of us on the outside and look straight into why God made us and she would only acknowledge THAT. It was nice indeed. To be held in esteem for who you were born to be rather than to be handled for who you've become for all of your mistakes and foibles.

She was my very last living grandparent. And, grandparents are exceedingly important in a child's life....in an adult's life. Someone who adores you unconditionally and is always tickled pink to see you. I miss her deeply.

I do not know how heaven and hell and reincarnation works. I'm not really sure where she is or if her consciousness doesn't die. But, I need to believe that I can still have her kind of love in my life. I need to believe that she can see me and feel me and that she will reach out to me from time to time. I miss you, Grandmother.

A Pure Heart is Cute but...

A pure heart and an empty head are not enough. My Civil Procedure professor used this notion to explain why a lawyer's due diligence as a responsibility to his client is non-negotiable. Due diligence in life is also non-negotiable. In law, there is also a "pure heart and empty head" defense. It's a term of art used to describe a defendant, usually in a criminal case, who admits misconduct but seeks to avoid liability because he's/she's "honest but ignorant" - meaning there is not sufficient intent to commit the crime. We use this defense ad nauseum in life. Ad nauseum. But it has its own collateral damages that will show up eventually.

Some may see the phrase as cold and insensitive but that won't make it any less true. When we are in denial about it, we invite rude awakenings. It's better to accept it and change your mind about it.

I love the phrase because in life, just as in law, good intentions are sweet, but they don't pay the bills. It's a clarion call for personal excellence. I love it most because it's not a judgment, but an opportunity to grow and flourish and constantly expand our own limits.

Thanks for stopping by. Feel free to comment, suggest, share or just say hi.

Why Do We Always Blame Mama?

Someone asked me why I had written a piece regarding the failure of parents (read: "mothers") to step up and take a more active role in their child's education with only a cursory mention of the role of the father. Here was my response:

"The Black father has given up his position of leadership in the household and the family. It doesn't matter what the reason. It doesn't matter whether it was the legacy of slavery, institutionalized racism, the Vietnam war and heroin. It doesn't really matter the cause. The bottomline is, it's the truth.

Black women, still being the very last bastion of loyalty, patience and unconditional love for the black man, have held out far beyond every logical indication that they are gone, to still love, adore and await their return. And, that's all very romantic and flowers and bluebirds and butterflies. Really, it is. However, our children have gone by the wayside in the interim and that has led to today's statistics which is NOT romantic in the least.

As a black woman, I don't believe I could begin to sufficiently explain to you, the degree to which black women have obsessed over WHY bm felt bw weren't "good enough" to stick around to commit to our families and our communities. But, to give you an example, it looks something like this: The sister walking down the street with blonde weave down to her tail, colored contacts and pancake makeup 2 shades too light. OR, it's the sister dressed like a hip hop video hooker, twerking with her children in the room at a family cookout. OR, it's the black single mom who has had 4 boyfriends over the course of 5 years around her two children. In and out of their home. In and out of her bedroom for her children to both witness and experience him staying and his leaving. The bw has been holding out hope against hope that the black man would come back home for good.

With that said...black children have been left to fend for and rear themselves to some degree. Their father was never around or just left one day and their mother's guidance has been frustrated by her own inability to rise above abiding pain and disappointment. Which was why I directed comments mainly towards her. Because, generally, most black single parent households are run by mothers. And, many of these mothers are distracted by either denial or by longing for a black man's absence or his return. Meanwhile, our children are missing out.

So, sisters, really need a paradigm shift. While the brothers SHOULD be fathers....we've had 25 years or so of preaching how that SHOULD happen and guess what? Many have not been moved by that concept. Even though THEY grew up without a dad, they have no problem with commiting the same crime against their own. A huge majority STILL disappear! Even men who were MARRIED to their children's mother, today use their own distance as an instrument to punish the exWife at the expense of the children. They just aren't around and it's time to stop lamenting over it and focus in on filling in the gaps for the child.

Yes, brothers are responsible for their offspring and should be present...but in the meantime, while we are waiting on BM to "get it", we cannot waste one more nanosecond waiting on the front stoop for brother to come back home while our children's futures are compromised due to lack of proper guidance and education.I took too long here to simply say this....sure, we expect and would LOVE to see FATHERS back where they need to be....but the child is already here. So, in the interim, single moms bear ALL the responsibility for how the child turns out. Period."

Do we want Black fathers back? Absolutely. But, can we afford to sit around on the front stoop waiting while our babies fall through the cracks....Absolutely not.

The Affirmative Action Debate in Light of the New Haven 20

Affirmative Action (AA) has been a topic of heated debate since its inception. Despite the fact that the greatest beneficiaries of AA initiatives have been white women, AA is still mischaracterized as a race-based legislation that gives an immensley unfair headstart to minorities in the US.

SCOTUS's recent decision in support of 20 white firefighter's from New Haven which ruled the AA initiatives of their employer - conducted in order to prevent a discrimination lawsuit - were unconstitutional. The case has sparked up the AA debate once again further promoting the idea that AA unfairly advantages minorities. Just some general thoughts on AA:

AA is necessary because it's been proven and time-tested that whites or those in power will always support their own over "others" when all other variables are equal or nearly equal. In a world where a black man with no felony convictions gets hired at a lower rate than a white male who does have a felony conviction, we have a long way to go before we can honestly state that AA is obselete.

On the flip-side, there are some disparities in college and grad school exams and in civil service testing that can be directly traced back to substandard educational conditions in minority communities in comparison to the higher educational opportunities that their white counterparts have. Suburban schools have stronger tax bases that give better financial support to their schools. Less minority families who live in urban areas can afford private education. AA is needed in post-secondary education until minority children are carrying grades and the exam scores that aren't so much lower than white children.

BUT....AA aside....I DO believe in academics....minorities bear some responsibility for the achievement gap between minority children and white children. When we were "separate and unequal" we achieved. We achieved with substandard supplies and buildings and staffing. We still did it. Education was paramount in the home. It's not been like that since the 80's. We don't value it anymore. I have to wonder if the "achievement gap" has less to do with discrimination and more to do with lazy, uneducated, unpurposeful parents.

Statistically, our children get lower entrance exam grades. There was a time when we would work with next to nothing to rear a successful child. We don't have family units doing that anymore. Those black and hispanic firefighters should not have overwhelmingly failed that exam. And, quite frankly, I do not want an embicile leading a fire crew when my house is all ablaze. Why did they overwhelmingly fail? It HAD to have had something to do with their education....and whose to blame for that? Maybe the govt needs to do more to outfit our public school system and bring it up to speed....but in the meantime....what are the parents gonna do?

Bill Cosby Was Right!

Dr. Cosby was correct. And, later for those who were hit by the rocks. We have the power to change things and all of the tools needed right now. Take education for example.

We don't have to wait for more funding or even an overhaul of our public school system to begin to reverse the damage that we've done to ourselves. I love that our new POTUS has his eye on an overhaul of the public school system and the No Child Left Behind Act. But, no amount of money funneled into the schools is going to sufficiently circumvent the effects of the lack of support for education in the home. If a mother doesn't value education, then rare is the child who will. (there are some children who are independently motivated from birth...and they are the exception, not the rule.)

Sure, many suburban and private schools are well-funded with state of the art science labs, techonologically advanced classrooms and a laptop at every desk.....BOOKS for every child. :) I submit there are some things you cannot do without - up to date books being vital. However, when a child doesn't have a person in the home consistently taking an active interest in her schoolwork, her homework, her attendance and her participation in class and extracurricular activities, she is less likely to excel in school. Any school.

If you are an eighth grade boy more interested in basketball and girls and looking cool in front of your peers, and your mother doesn't even confirm whether you have homework or not, let alone confirm that you've completed it, or, moreso - checked your work for you, then no amount of school funding is going to change it.

Parents take their child's word for it when he says, "I don't have homework." They allow them to turn in substandard work done at the very last minute instead of keeping ahead of the child's requirements in all of his classes. Helping the child then build a habit of procrastination when it comes to the most important life activities.

There is no effort to teach our children at home how to produce quality work and how to maintain that standard. Junior doesn't have to worry about mama vetoing his essay because it's sloppy and has grammatical errors. He knows she won't even read it. Let alone require him to rewrite it. At the most...she will look at the page full of writing to confirm he did something and turn her attention elsewhere.Mama is not requiring that her children read for recreation and independent education in the home.

I'm not blaming mother but I am blaming mother. (and father) On one hand, her mother didn't instill stronger educational values in her. She never grew up around books and, therefore, there are no books in her home today. However, at some point, as adults and parents, it is time to stand up and begin to seek an internal solution to whatever ails us.

If your child is consistently bringing home D's and missing school and is sure to drop out...search within for the solution. It's not necessarily a government shortcoming. How have you contributed to your child's mismanagement of her own education? When your child dreams of switching to the GED program from 8am-12noon daily rather than regular schooling....and you throw her a party for earning her GED...oh, no ma'am....we reinforce underachievement religiously and it has to stop. (yes, people celebrate them for kids now - feel free to comment and tell me why I should not be so hard on us)

Needless to say, if your mother and grandmother didn't go to college, then they may not necessarily have the awareness to guide you in the application process. They don't perceive higher education as applicable to your family. It's not even an option. This drastically differs from homes where college is a foregone conclusion...and many where even graduate schooling is automatic.

It's not money that the black community needs most in schools but parents. The best proof is in the examples of how we functioned prior to Brown vs Board of Education and desegregation. Prior to that, we never took education for granted and we refused to become victims of circumstance. As a result, people were driven and directed...even in the face of egregiously substandard school facilities....we used what we had and parents supplemented at home and filled in the balance.

Cosby was correct. We are to blame for the low graduation rates of our own childen and the even lower college graduation rates. There is so much we can do at home immediately that could significantly increase the success rates of our children. It's up to us.

Michael Jackson Died Yesterday.

Who would have thought? A man so incredibly gifted and so undeniably important to the world would be taken from us so suddenly?


I haven't cried at all. I'm not sure why. I've spent the last 24 hours watching his videos, watching the coverage, watching home movies he did and reading his lyrics. Some of the most poignant coverage has been through the written responses of his death by those who were close to him. Lisa Marie Pressley's blog entry was particularly helpful. She admitted to loving him and that she wished she could have saved him...and that she had failed to do more. She admitted she agonized over their divorce. We all wondered whether their marriage was "real". Here it is now in black and white. It was.


And, the accounts from his friend Gotham Chopra really got me thinking. He said Michael expressed envy at his ability to have friends to hang out with and that he'd often gotten dressed up in disguise to go and join them on a night out...only to back down or be forbidden by his security team. So, Michael would just pour a glass of orange juice and sit down with an old movie instead.


What must it have been like to be an international obsession? Unable to even go to the grocery store and fill a cart with food unbated by fans and admirers? Michael did a home movie where he explained that he'd always wanted to just visit a grocery store and shop like normal people. He said this was why he loved dressing up in disguises so much because he could just go somewhere public and people watch and hear their normal conversations. He said that if they'd known his identity, then the normalcy of life and interactions would then be compromised. No more regular, everyday conversations and mannerisms. No more casual, authentic presentation of who they really are because everyone who knows it's Michael Jackson always becomes "in awe". Imagine how uncomfortable that must have been for him. So, he had a friend shut down a mall so that he could shop in the grocery store while his staff and close handlers dressed up in disguise and pretended to be regular shoppers. Just the feeling for him of looking at labels and squeezing oranges and browsing the frozen food aisle like a normal person was something he'd longed for.


It saddens me that someone who was born with such an extraordinary gift for the world was not able to ever enjoy the simple things in life. Things that we take for granted like privacy, anonymity, autonomy, love, loyalty, commonality, comradery...peace. Imagine. He was born with a gift that he couldn't likely withhold. He was born to give it. His purpose in life was to express it. And, it brought immeasurable joy to the world. Yet, it was its own curse. It carried such a heavy price. An unforgiving price.


Sure, everyone wants fame and fortune. And, sure celebrities need to be known and appreciated. But, when you really just want to do what makes you YOU, and this self-expression means a self-sacrifice, the likes of which no one could possibly foretell...then where's the fairness in that?


I grew up in the 70's and 80's in love with Michael Jackson. He was larger than life to me. I never got to see him in concert but I made up for it with all of his albums, articles, posters, buttons, t-shirts and jackets. I watched every video he ever made and every performance he gave that was available to me. It never occurred to me that here was this man-child who was locked into a prison with no way out. There was always so much joy on his face and in that brilliant smile when he performed. He was truly beloved world-wide and I highly doubt anyone fathomed how our obsession with him could have been a source of pain for him.


Amidst the stories about his prescription drug use and his strained relationship with his brothers, I cannot figure out how this could have possibly been averted. Suzanne DePasse explained on 20/20 tonight how very early on, there was a wedge driven between he and his brothers because of all the attention Michael was getting. People just adored him from the start. There was no way that he could have been loved less. From the earliest years when he performed with his brothers, he was always extra special and the world couldn't help but be instantly endeared. He was amazing from day one. Even his Motown audition recordings are so profound because it was clear even then that this child was special.


I just wish, from the bottom of my heart, that before he died, he had been able to experience true love, loyalty and support from someone he could share his life with. I wish he hadn't died alone. I wish he hadn't been in so much emotional and physical pain. I wish he'd had the opportunity to experience other sides of life. But, alas, there was not a corner on this Earth where Michael Jackson could go and just be. God bless his soul and God bless his family.

Why So Many Issues in the Black Community?

Here's a post I gave in response to a white person's question about why the Black community seems to struggle so much:

Just generally...there are a few things that have tended to work against Black people, IMO. First thing was desegregation. It's perfectly reasonable that we needed to fight for desegregation and an end to Jim Crow. I get that. It's a human right. A necessity. My parents grew up during Jim Crow and my father was 17 before he ever set foot in a movie theater because he wasn't "allowed" to. So, it had to happen. It just did...however, a few things we had going for us during segregation, tended to leave with desegregation. FAMILY. Cohesive family units. When we were segregated, we stuck together and got through this world as a unit, as a community. Back then, children grew up seeing men in their neighborhoods going to work every morning. Some of them were even doctors. When a doctor lives next door to you and your father is IN THE HOME, you have a greater chance of succeeding.

With those family values came a strong promotion of educational values. The schools were separate but unequal...however, we were in such DIRE STRAITS being subjugated that we had a certain work and educational ethic that was not optional...it was survival. We were consistently, generation after generation, working to improve our standing...working to be seen as "a man" if you will. Children were raised being taught of our struggle and why it was so important to take school seriously and to be productive, law abiding citizens.

Third, ECONOMICS. Jim Crow forced us to rely on our own commerce to survive. So, we were entreprenuers. We worked and brought our money the only place we were permitted to spend it....our own community. So, the economic wealth was solid and consistent through and through. Our segregated neighborhoods would have looked much like you see a Little Italy or a Chinatown today. It wasn't much...but it was ours and we took care of it well and we benefitted from the environment...and I believe the psychic environment was the driving force that kept blacks on focus and of the most altruistic mindset toward our own communities.

As I said earlier, the Civil Rights Movement had to happen. Jim Crow was against the constitutional rights of every American. It was unconstitutional and it was abhorrent. It had to go. Additionally, equal pay, protection against employment and housing discrimination needed to happen and then BrownvBoard of Education had already happened.

Unfortunately, as the seventies hit, and Vietnam, and the Women's Liberation movement...drugs and divorce really plagued the black community. Many soldiers came home addicted to heroin and/or unable to find work. Thousands of black soldiers who came home for Vietnam COULD NOT get hired anywhere. Women began working outside the home...men were not comfortable with it...families fell into jeopardy because the change was so much, so soon, and so radical. I cannot tell you how many people in my generation (I was born in 1970) have parents who divorced in the late 70's. But, that was NEVER an issue prior to the 70's on such a large scale.

But, I believe that there were three major things that took place in the 80's that began to really CEMENT this downward spiral for the Black family and the Black community. One was crack cocaine. Another was hiphop. And, the other thing was out of wedlock births. (OOW)

Now, with the infiltration of crack into the black community, we began to see wholesale death start to take its toll. Young men were making AMAZING amounts of money selling the highly addictive drug and those addicted to it were hopelessly lost to their families and to the community. This meant babies without mothers. Babies without fathers. Robberies. Violence. Gang warfare and guns. Young men began to chase after the glamorous lifestyles of the kingpins in their neighborhoods rather than focusing on graduating high school and going to college. (remember, Daddy's gone because there was a divorce, drugs, and no job in the late 70's/early 80's) Add to that, the disparate sentencing requirements for crack cocaine offenses and you have yourself a surefire way to tear a community apart. (not blaming anyone here just saying)

And, today, though blacks only make up 30% or so of the American population, there are more black men incarcerated than any other racial/ethnic group in this country. That is indicative of problems in our community AND an unjust judicial system.

Next, hip hop, which started out extremely powerful and POSITIVE, took an unfortunate turn for the worst around about 1987. When West Coast gangster rap hit the scene and a subsequent east coast/west coast war ensued. It eventually became a heated competition between both coasts to OUT GANGSTER one another....meanwhile....this conveyed a message to our children that the harder and more gangster you are, the more respect you will get, the more valued you are. So boys are carrying guns. Selling drugs so that they can get that ride and be the man in their neighborhood. Etc. This increased the volatile nature of the lyrics. Increased the misogyny of the lyrics and the videos. And, diverted our youth's desire to seek personal power toward negativity as a path to power rather than achievement as the path to power. Unfortunately, I blame hip hop artists AND parents for this equally and there is some blame to be laid at the feet of the record labels who peddle this filth and make more money than all the artists combined. But, there is a lack of self responsibility that these rappers have taken from about 1987 on up to now...with the exception of a rare few...when they could have refused to be a vehicle to perpetuate this degenerative culture, yet, instead, they chose the cash payout and the fame.

By now, we are seeing our first MAJOR wave of out of wedlock pregnancies in our community. Girls are seeking the love that daddy couldn't give them because he was either a) strung out on drugs (which he got hooked on during the war or began when crack hit the streets) and jobless b) lost his mind after he came home from the war (was probably on drugs or an alcoholic and was jobless or c) in and out of her life because he and mommy were divorced in the late 70's/early 80's. So, we now have babies raising babies. And, the two biggest problems with babies raising babies is 1) abandonment of higher education in pursuit of having and supporting a family and 2) young mothers lack the appropriate discernment to be effective parents.

THEREFORE...you have a teenager raising a daughter who she allows to emulate the video vixens she sees on BET's hip hop videos when she's only 3 which will contribute to the cycle we see happening. That child will grow up confused, promiscuous and believing that her self worth is tied to her sexuality. You have ANOTHER absentee father because the teenaged dad is a baby himself and just as confused as she is. You have the children of these CHILDREN repeating the CYCLE of OOW births over and over and over again until now, one woman is a grandmother at 33 and another is a great-grandmother at 46. All the while...that discernment to steer a child away from a life of crime and ill-repute and towards education, achievement and productivity is largely lacking. It's not that they were lazy mothers...they simply lacked a reference point from which to develop a game plan for their OWN future, let alone their child's future.I know this to be a fact.

I have seen families where if the parents were clueless about education and college and how to get there, then ALL of the children would follow suit. Of course, there are some pearls amidst the madness...unique individuals who, despite their environment, found a way to be different and excel in the real world. But, even Freakanomics admits that children of educated families are far more successful educationally and in life.

And, fast forward to today...for sure, there are disparities in opportunity for blacks over the past 35 years that have substantially contributed as well. Institutionalized racism in education, employment and housing as well as a welfare system that discouraged families in favor of single-parent run homes. Additionally, there is a balance as well with the justice system which indiscriminately punishes black males to a greater intensity than other groups for the same crimes in question. And, once you are caught up in the penal system you are as good as dead because the recidivism rate among ex-cons is through the roof. They become a product of a penal system that is not designed to rehabilitate and a society that will not allow them to integrate back in after they have been released (you cannot vote if you are a felon in a lot of states, no one will hire you if you have a felony crime conviction) And, let's not forget the monstrous THREE STRIKES rule which put away hundreds of thousands of men for LIFE. Those problems are external but they had a real impact as well.

But, I am willing to bet that if we began to value family and marriage again, and if we put education on the top of the list of priorities again, and if our hip hop artists were to begin to gravitate toward cleaner, more inspiring music, that we could address a lot of our own setbacks. But, just like it took 35 years for us to get to this condition, it will take a while to clean it up.