Michael Jackson Died Yesterday.

Who would have thought? A man so incredibly gifted and so undeniably important to the world would be taken from us so suddenly?


I haven't cried at all. I'm not sure why. I've spent the last 24 hours watching his videos, watching the coverage, watching home movies he did and reading his lyrics. Some of the most poignant coverage has been through the written responses of his death by those who were close to him. Lisa Marie Pressley's blog entry was particularly helpful. She admitted to loving him and that she wished she could have saved him...and that she had failed to do more. She admitted she agonized over their divorce. We all wondered whether their marriage was "real". Here it is now in black and white. It was.


And, the accounts from his friend Gotham Chopra really got me thinking. He said Michael expressed envy at his ability to have friends to hang out with and that he'd often gotten dressed up in disguise to go and join them on a night out...only to back down or be forbidden by his security team. So, Michael would just pour a glass of orange juice and sit down with an old movie instead.


What must it have been like to be an international obsession? Unable to even go to the grocery store and fill a cart with food unbated by fans and admirers? Michael did a home movie where he explained that he'd always wanted to just visit a grocery store and shop like normal people. He said this was why he loved dressing up in disguises so much because he could just go somewhere public and people watch and hear their normal conversations. He said that if they'd known his identity, then the normalcy of life and interactions would then be compromised. No more regular, everyday conversations and mannerisms. No more casual, authentic presentation of who they really are because everyone who knows it's Michael Jackson always becomes "in awe". Imagine how uncomfortable that must have been for him. So, he had a friend shut down a mall so that he could shop in the grocery store while his staff and close handlers dressed up in disguise and pretended to be regular shoppers. Just the feeling for him of looking at labels and squeezing oranges and browsing the frozen food aisle like a normal person was something he'd longed for.


It saddens me that someone who was born with such an extraordinary gift for the world was not able to ever enjoy the simple things in life. Things that we take for granted like privacy, anonymity, autonomy, love, loyalty, commonality, comradery...peace. Imagine. He was born with a gift that he couldn't likely withhold. He was born to give it. His purpose in life was to express it. And, it brought immeasurable joy to the world. Yet, it was its own curse. It carried such a heavy price. An unforgiving price.


Sure, everyone wants fame and fortune. And, sure celebrities need to be known and appreciated. But, when you really just want to do what makes you YOU, and this self-expression means a self-sacrifice, the likes of which no one could possibly foretell...then where's the fairness in that?


I grew up in the 70's and 80's in love with Michael Jackson. He was larger than life to me. I never got to see him in concert but I made up for it with all of his albums, articles, posters, buttons, t-shirts and jackets. I watched every video he ever made and every performance he gave that was available to me. It never occurred to me that here was this man-child who was locked into a prison with no way out. There was always so much joy on his face and in that brilliant smile when he performed. He was truly beloved world-wide and I highly doubt anyone fathomed how our obsession with him could have been a source of pain for him.


Amidst the stories about his prescription drug use and his strained relationship with his brothers, I cannot figure out how this could have possibly been averted. Suzanne DePasse explained on 20/20 tonight how very early on, there was a wedge driven between he and his brothers because of all the attention Michael was getting. People just adored him from the start. There was no way that he could have been loved less. From the earliest years when he performed with his brothers, he was always extra special and the world couldn't help but be instantly endeared. He was amazing from day one. Even his Motown audition recordings are so profound because it was clear even then that this child was special.


I just wish, from the bottom of my heart, that before he died, he had been able to experience true love, loyalty and support from someone he could share his life with. I wish he hadn't died alone. I wish he hadn't been in so much emotional and physical pain. I wish he'd had the opportunity to experience other sides of life. But, alas, there was not a corner on this Earth where Michael Jackson could go and just be. God bless his soul and God bless his family.