My Grandmother Died Today

My maternal grandmother died today of full renal failure and congestive heart failure. She was 94 years old. She was married for about 50 years before my grandfather passed away. She never remarried. She had four daughters, nine grandchildren and eighteen great-grands. She was a deeply spiritual woman. The kind that believed God was going to heal her of all of her ailments rather than medicine. She never even wore pants until her eighties.

I remember the day we took her car keys away. She was about 80. She was always so self-sufficient. Driving here and there. Helping people in need. Cutting the lawn. Gardening. Washing windows on a ladder. It was sad when we realized she couldn't drive anymore. It was a true turning point in her life and in our lives for we always knew her to be independent and full of her wits.

She's always been outspoken and would condemn any and everybody who wasn't living right. That was just her way. But, it has been difficult watching her deteriorate over the past four years. It became so that anytime she said anything judgmental or stinging we would get excited and just relish it because it was one more glimpse of the grandmother we all knew and loved.

I'm having mixed feelings about death in general. I used to view it as such a tragedy. Something to fear and something to avoid. But now, looking at my own life and the lives of those around me; looking at the state of the world and thinking about spirituality and the reality of God - I really have begun to see death as a simple process in a cycle that is not to be feared any more than being born is.

And yet, it is terribly sad indeed for me. When I began recalling how sweet she was towards me; how supportive and encouraging; she had such a wonderful way of believing in us.....I realized then, that I will never have HER loving me that way again in my life. She always called me a "Good Girl". She would chastise me if my clothing or hair wasn't befitting of her image of how a "Good Girl" should appear. But, when I would get it right....she would praise me so. She would fawn over me as though she were my greatest fan. It was nice. It was also helpful. I think she could look past each one of us on the outside and look straight into why God made us and she would only acknowledge THAT. It was nice indeed. To be held in esteem for who you were born to be rather than to be handled for who you've become for all of your mistakes and foibles.

She was my very last living grandparent. And, grandparents are exceedingly important in a child's life....in an adult's life. Someone who adores you unconditionally and is always tickled pink to see you. I miss her deeply.

I do not know how heaven and hell and reincarnation works. I'm not really sure where she is or if her consciousness doesn't die. But, I need to believe that I can still have her kind of love in my life. I need to believe that she can see me and feel me and that she will reach out to me from time to time. I miss you, Grandmother.